"Happy" Birthday to Me

*Blows out the nonexistent candles*

For years I just fall into my annual birthday funk. Well, it's worse than a funk. I wake up sad. Random things make me even more sad. I have a few breakdowns throughout the day. My [other] mom usually calls me, and I just cry into the phone. One year, my breakdown was so bad, she overnighted a basket of sweets to cheer me up. This isn't because I'm another year older. I mean, aging is the goal, right? Otherwise, we'd be dead (or immortal). It's just a punch to the gut with spending it alone. Again.

Most of my adulthood birthdays were "celebrated" at my parents' home. Mom would make the cutest cake, sometimes nearby family that I wasn't particularly close to would come over, and they'd all sing happy birthday before going back to their business. I dated someone for a few years, but I don't remember how or even if we celebrated... His fuckery wrecked my relationship outlook for years, so who knows. I must've blocked it out.

I knew a lot of people in Florida. As a local performer, I had my family in the industry and we hung out often, however most of them were in Orlando (FL) and I was an hour and a half away outside of Tampa. Well, without traffic. I never tried to plan anything, that is until 2012. The month before I moved to NY. I planned an evening. I don't quite remember what the first thing was, but the second was hitting a wine bar. Of everyone that was going to show, only two showed. Just at the wine bar. I stopped trying.

Maybe it affected me more than I thought, and by repressing just how hurt and let down I felt, it just boils over every year and I fall apart. I dated an abusive narcissist in 2015. He was only supposed to stay with me for around 2 weeks while he found a place, but kept lying about delays. Throughout those months, he stole a lot from me and bought me "gifts" with my money. so that hardly counts. In 2017, the obstacle racing community sang me happy birthday at a Spartan Race a Citizens Bank Park. Last year, I spent time with friends a few days after. All other years, I've been alone.

Today, it's just me and my cat.

No one called. Even if just to use today as an excuse to catch up. I got a bunch of texts and online tags. Cool. The birthday wish that mattered most turned out to be the most lackluster, and just part of a reply to a message I had sent.

Although calmed in recent years, my relationship with my dad was turbulent. [Now} Retired military holding me to XYZ standards, criticizing everything because I didn't follow certain footsteps or plans. He randomly posted this long birthday post to me on Facebook saying how he's proud of me for all that I do for others and that I'm his hero. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, but after so many years of being made to feel inadequate and that how I live or what I do isn't good enough, I'm a mix of hurt and angry. Mostly hurt.

I'm still processing. Still processing my dad's post. Still processing that the warmest wishes came from strangers and not from

my closest friends. Still processing that the disappointment ten years ago could probably be the reason why I'm just sad every year.

I may have just had a breakthrough, y'all....