Pavlov'd by Narcissists

I recently shared this image to my Instagram stories and received quite a few messages in response to my highlighting a keyword in the last sentence: Safe. To clarify, "relationships" aren't restricted to romantic.

If you have ever been in an, in this case, emotionally abusive relationship, then I'm sure you're familiar with gaslighting. You know, always having to be on the defense because no matter what you do or say, you're wrong. Everything is your fault. They play on words in such a way you're left doubting yourself wondering if you were overreacting, overthinking, seeing something you "wanted" to see, jumping to conclusions. Conversations for resolution were never productive because they would get loud and aggressive and they'd just start tearing down the bits of you that are left, instilling a fear that gives them control because you're left wondering if or when they're going to slip and get physical.

Over time, you're conditioned to believe you're not enough, you're unworthy, your boundaries don't matter, you're not valued, you're not accepted. Yet oddly, you fear them leaving you more than what they'd do to you because it almost validates those thoughts you'd been led to believe -- You mean nothing.

The result after several years and different people? The body's auto-defense and constantly in "survival mode". From here, the challenge of having to relearn what is healthy presents itself. But how do you know what is considered "healthy" when you've never experienced it? It'd be easy to say, "listen to your mind" or "monitor your physiological response". Fact of the matter is you'll be overthinking from every angle, doubting just about everything, approaching opportunities with extreme caution, and sometimes, distrust. When something that seems good happens, you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The body [and mind] will continue to respond in ways conditioned by trauma.

Everyone responds to trauma differently and there is no one-way approach or timeline to heal from it, so what worked for some will likely not work for others. Keep this in mind when reading this or any of my other shares of personal healing.

How it's been going --

Thoughts:

My mind creates worst-case scenarios. I often wonder if things are being kept from me. I worry I'm not enough. I lost trust in myself and have to step back from a situation to think about how I'm feeling and determine if it's an "overreaction," since I was often accused of such, or if my emotions are justified. I hesitate to bring up issues or concerns or how I'm feeling because far too often it'd been thrown back in my face. I stress things being my fault when it goes wrong. I often feel like I'm "too much" and bothersome, so I just don't reach out to friends for so much as a "hello".

Body:

When a serious (not necessarily bad) conversation needs to be had, my body responds with the worst anxiety I've ever experienced in my life. Hyperventilating, sweats, stuttering, tears, and holy Hell - the shakes. I look like I'm having a seizure. This still happens even when I KNOW I'm safe and I can't stop it from happening. I just learned to pause, breathe, and sometimes step away until I calm enough to continue.

Last year, I reconnected with someone I'd met some years back who's since become one of the most important people in my life and, although I mention my progress to him on occasion, I don't think he truly knows just how much he has helped me heal and grow. I can voice any concern, express myself no matter how stupid it is to me, talk about everything and nothing, and he's been so unbelievably supportive and understanding of not only that, but also my mental health struggles and how I cope. It sounds simple, but I didn't realize how essential having that level of communication and support is until I had it. I have had full-on anxiety attacks in front of him and received support without judgement. Although, I still have my anxiety attacks, the intensity has reduced significantly, and I have zero hesitation in communicating anything. I feel safe. This is healthy.

"Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives." (van der Kolk, 2015)

To be clear, I have never directed my issues toward him. I, myself, am responsible for treating others with respect regardless. Having been treated like shit is never an excuse to treat others like shit, nor is that person obligated to tolerate it. If you can't control it, it's probably best you seek professional help to learn how. I will say, even with a Psychology background, I have issues with therapy to a degree. Yes, there are many instances in which prescriptions are necessary for <insert physiological> regulation, however in cases such as trauma, for example, where the symptoms can be managed with work, patients are simply being prescribed the medications without being taught the necessary skills to deal with distressing physical and emotional reactions. If seeking therapy, find someone who will invest the time and effort into helping you develop functional coping mechanisms.

Anyhow, don't get me wrong... I still stress "what-ifs" and the possibility of getting royally fucked over again, but personally, the "I wish I had..." weighs heavier on me. Those are opportunities lost and time I'll never get back, which to me, is far more important than limiting myself in this short life we live. That is what drives my continued hope and curiosity, and my willingness to just try. Hopefully, carrying with me the lessons my past experiences have provided.

Let's get nerdy:

"Traumatized brains look different from non-traumatized brains in three predictable ways:

• The Thinking Center is underactivated.

• The Emotion Regulation Center is underactivated.

• The Fear Center is overactivated.

What these activations indicate is that [...] if you are traumatized and have PTSD symptoms, you may experience chronic stress, vigilance, fear, and irritation." (The 3 Parts of Your Brain Affected by Trauma, 2019)

The amygdala is most commonly known for our fear responses of fight, flight, and freeze. Pedersen & Juby (2021) note the amygdala is involved in the following functions:

• detecting threats

• triggering a body response (e.g., pulling your hand off a hot stove)

• fear conditioning (e.g., being afraid to drive after getting in a car accident)

• processing positive emotions

• encoding emotional memories

These reactions are spurred when trauma hits and the amygdala is trying to respond quickly to survive. Cue: Amygdala Hijack, which "refers to an intense emotional reaction that’s out of proportion to the circumstance." (Pedersen & Juby, 2021) In other words, we are 100% losing our shit.

Why is this important? Because it is quite literally all in your head, and just as you were programmed into that response, you can learn to override with time so put in the work! That said, I cannot stress the importance of surrounding yourself with people who are supportive. That one toxic relationship can undo any progress. If you seek therapy and they prescribe medication, ensure they are teaching body/mind response awareness and the situations that trigger, in addition to the skills you need to take control of those reactions.

1. van der Kolk, B. (2015). The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma. Penguin Books.

2. Pedersen, T., & Juby, B. (2021, October 14). All About Amygdala Hijack. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/health/amygdala-hijack

3. The 3 Parts of Your Brain Affected by Trauma. (2019, May 21). Neurosurgical.TV. https://www.neurosurgical.tv/the-3-parts-of-your-brain-affected-by-trauma/